Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Elephant

Dear Elephant:

I don't mean to set you here, just aside, while Butterfly's demands are met.

I don't mean to think, "He's such a good boy. He understands that I'll be right back to answer his question. Take care of his need."

I don't mean to wonder all of the time if I am sacrificing one in light of the other ... the other in light of the one.

I don't mean to question our relationship, Elephant, and wonder if it's gotten off track in the headlights of a very demanding Butterfly.

I don't mean for you to ever wonder if you are alone.

I don't mean for you to answer the phone as Auntie drives you to school, to hear me say, "Hi Baby! I didn't get a chance before you dashed out the door to tell you to have a wonderful week!" and to hear you say, "I just KNEW you were going to call because I kept waiting to hear you say that! You tell me every week except this one, so I knew you would call."

I don't mean to wonder how to do all of this the "right" way, because I am so afraid of all the ways challenging me to the point I am very, very lost in the crosshairs of them all.

I don't mean to try to hold all of you, all of this and its meaning, in a single hour in the last part of our weekly time together, to leave an hour to "make it all up."

I don't mean to push you, Elephant, into an hour, into an aside, into an apology.

I do mean to tell you that you are so very extraordinary. You are my son, my sweet, sweet son. These are my stories for you.

I do mean to wrap you up in hope, a hope that you will see I did my best. Or thought I was trying to.

I do mean to try to find a way to explain how much you mean to me, how I love you unconditionally and gratefully.

I do mean for you to not be ruined by my actions or lack thereof, to have normal things to lament to your therapist.

I do mean for you to always, always be my first real love. My first real unconditional love, no excuses, no explanations, no nothing.

Dear Elephant.

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